


Fake Smiles and False Confidence

by JayCKx



Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sanderssides - Freeform, its meant to be platonic but could be seen as romantic if you squint at the end, thomas sanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 04:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11866329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayCKx/pseuds/JayCKx
Summary: Prince always brought up self love and saving himself because he knew he didn’t. Roman didn’t love himself, he hated himself, and he wanted to change that but he didn’t know how. His quest to save himself, to love himself, was taking so long and it wasn’t working at all, no matter how many fake smiles he shone and how much false confidence he oozed.





	Fake Smiles and False Confidence

“El príncipe es estúpido.” Prince is stupid.

That one… that one stung. Not because he was being called stupid, no, Roman had heard that many times, and he knew it was true, so there was no point in getting offended about what he was being called. It was that Logic had said it in Spanish.

That was Roman’s thing, the one thing he could do that the others couldn’t, the one thing he knew that not even Logan did. He’d always been able to speak Spanish, it was his little ability, but now Logan had to come along and learned it purely to insult him, as if Prince wasn’t hurt enough in English. His one special thing had been stolen, taken from him, used as a weapon against him to hurt him, and he knew that Logic would keep going and keep learning and keep insulting him with a new Spanish word every time because that was who he was. Unlike Prince, he was intelligent. Logan liked to learn, and soon he’d know almost as much as Roman, and Prince wouldn’t have anything special for himself anymore. No more private conversations that nobody could understand, no more having something close to his heart just for himself. In any other case, he wouldn’t mind if one of the other sides learnt Spanish, except it had been learnt purely to hurt him, to insult him, to belittle him. And that was was stung the most.

****

Prince always brought up self love and saving himself because he knew he didn’t. Roman didn’t love himself, he hated himself, and he wanted to change that but he didn’t know how. His quest to save himself, to love himself, was taking so long and it wasn’t working at all, no matter how many fake smiles he shone and how much false confidence he oozed. It was all pretend, a mask to hide that on the inside he was hurting and didn’t know how to cope, it was to cover up that he hated looking into the mirror and he had no faith in his own abilities and he wasn’t confident or full of self-love, he just acted like that. To hide. Because acting was the one thing he knew how to do. Acting was the one thing he could accomplish well, was the one thing he could do right. His acting was convincing. They all believed it.

****

“Even Prince knew that.”

Logic scorned at Morality. Roman, who was busy taking selfies, heard it clearly.

“Yeah, even I knew that.” He agreed, the camera on his phone going off. There was no point in protesting the statement, it was true. Roman didn’t have a very high intelligence level. In fact, he was stupid. It’d been said before and it would be said again, because it was a fact; if Princey knew something you didn’t then you had to be clueless. Because Roman was dumb, an idiot, not smart enough to do anything right. He kept posing for the camera, brushing the words off, hiding the hurt they inflicted behind a good angle and a coy smile. Prince could deny the words stung until his last breath, could brush them off as a fact and say that it didn’t matter, that it didn’t affect him, but deep down he knew that was a lie. Every time he was insulted, be it his intelligence, his place in the group, the skills and assets he brought to the table, his abilities, the black hole of pain inside him grew a little larger, hurt a little more. Sometimes, on a bad day, he thought back about the things that had been said about him and it felt like his chest was tearing open, caving him, like a hole was opening up inside him. But he smiled, he joked, he acted happy and confident and narcissistic and everybody believed him, nobody looked any closer.

The camera didn’t lie though.

If you looked past the blinding smile, neat hair, regal clothes and elegant posture, if you looked at his eyes, you could see past the blissful mask. His eyes showed the truth; they held infinite amounts of misery and weariness. They were tired, lonely and sorrowful, and glittered with sadness instead of delight, like a call for help, for somebody to notice.

Roman deleted the photo.

****

“Halfwit.”

Ok, Prince probably did deserve that one, after all he started it by calling Logic a nerd. But it was such a simple, throwaway, careless comment that Roman almost slipped up. Logan carried on the conversation, promptly forgetting about/ignoring Prince and explain to Thomas his reasoning and points, but Roman had to take a second or two to collect himself. He automatically slid a smile onto his face to hide the hurt, but blinked at the logical trait in surprise, then looked away as the pain from the insult registered, helping cement the fact that Princey was a stupid idiot, then forced himself to look back up again because he knew that would be in the video. Banter was always added in. So he kept his smile glued to his face and tried to make his expression look… incredulous? Amused? Anything but hurt.

As they rewatched the video later, he was disappointed in himself for the flicker of pain that crossed his expression for a second after Logic called him a halfwit. Nobody else noticed, though.

****

“Do you have self esteem issues? Am I asking too many questions?”

Yes, yes he did. Yes, Patton was. Being in Virgil’s room made his own anxiety, insecurities, doubts and fears surge forth stronger than ever, and keeping the confident, self-assured, self-loving pretence up was getting harder and harder by the second. He kind of wanted to break down, to yell and scream, to beg somebody to realise that he didn’t feel ok, that he hadn’t been fine in a while. He wanted somebody to realise it was an act, he wanted somebody to look closer and just know, and here Morality was, so close to the truth. But Roman just played it off again. He was so mad at himself. He hated how weak he was; he couldn’t even function normally and like himself, he needed somebody to be there for him and comfort him, he was too weak and afraid to ask, he kept lying and acting and doing the wrong thing all the time and it was so hard. But he wasn’t doing anything, wasn’t changing. He just kept acting and pretending and lying and hating himself more every time.

****

“And as usual, you were completely unnecessary.”

It was probably just a meaningless quip from Virgil, part of their usual insults and banter that weren’t really meant to hurt. It was just something they did; Prince and Anxiety were basically opposites, arguing was a given, it was routine, but honestly it was never really serious. Except that one hurt a bit. Roman was probably just being too sensitive again, taking stupid things to heart and letting them wound him, but something about that one struck him harder than usual. Maybe it was because it made him realise, again, that he was usually unnecessary, annoying, useless. That he never helped or contributed in any real way, he was just… there. Not doing anything important. Just saying stupid things and giving useless ideas and annoying everybody else. Hindering them. Not helping in any way. Maybe what got to him most was that he knew it was true, it just hurt to accept it.

****

Princey, you are done! Give it up.

Done before he’d even really begun. Every idea, every thought, every suggestion, it had been useless. Stupid, unoriginal, idiotic Roman couldn’t even come up with a single good idea. This was supposed to be his forte! Daydreaming, imagining, brainstorming, being creative! He even had full creative control, he went into daydream mode, but he still couldn’t do it. And now it was over. And now he had to give up, because he wasn’t going to be able to come up with anything good or new anyway. He was done. He’d failed. He couldn’t even do one thing right, and now everybody knew how useless he really was. He couldn’t do his job, he failed in what was supposed to be his speciality, he let everybody down. He hated it. He was useless, he was weak. He was done. He gave up.

****

He couldn’t do it anymore, he could feel his carefully crafted mask cracking, slipping away, showing how he really felt. He couldn’t stand it, how weak he was, how he was being beaten, how alarmingly often he slipped up and became upset and let the others see inside for a moment.

“Why don’t you want to listen to me more?!” He cried out during a video one day, frustrated and slightly hurt. He was trying. He knew he kept failing and mucking stuff up, he knew he did the wrong things a lot, he knew most of his ideas were bad or didn’t help, but he was trying. He didn’t know why the others, why Thomas, wouldn’t listen to him. His bad ideas were always shot down by the other sides before they could do any damage anyway, but even when Prince had a good idea he felt like he wasn’t being heard, like he was being ignored, and it hurt. He understood it though; if somebody gives useless, annoying ideas and opinions too often then you don’t want to listen to them anymore. Prince probably deserved to not be listened to, it was probably for the better anyway. But it still hurt. Nobody seemed to notice or care how much it affected him, though. For a moment Roman wasn’t sure whether to be glad or disappointed.

****

“I cannot wait till I see how I screw this up!” Said in a cheerful tone, contradictory to the meaning. Sure the context was love or romance, which were his specialities, but by now everybody knew that Roman could screw up even the simplest of tasks. He had no doubt that he would fail in this one somehow and disappoint everyone again. The bubbly tone of voice… he didn’t know, maybe it was a way of trying to lighten the situation, even though he was the only one that could hear himself. It didn’t work. Saying the words out loud, no matter how happy he made them sound, still bought with them a pang of pain, like a punch in his chest. Oh well, it was true anyway. He was morbidly curious about how quickly and how extremely he would muck something up this time.

****

“What will you think of me? I can’t- I can’t let you down.” He can’t fail again, he won’t, he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t know if he can handle anything else going wrong right now. He just- he’s so tired of failing and screwing up and disappointing people and doing his job wrong and annoying the others. He’s sick of hating himself. He doesn’t want to let Thomas down anymore, he just wants to help and protect him, but he always just makes things worse. Roman can’t keep his mouth shut, can’t come up with a good idea, can’t keep acting like he’s alright. He can’t keep playing the arrogant, careless, cheerful character for much longer, he needs to get all the bad emotions and feelings out, then he can keep going, keep pretending. Because he can see the slightly concerned looks the others gave him when he blurted that line out, his shoulder slumping with defeat, eyes shining with sadness. He doesn’t want them to know, to worry, he doesn’t want to be more of a burden that usual. He’s just hurting, he needs some time to get his act together. He tries to act normal again by the end of the video, and he knows he failed at that too, so he disappeared to his room as quick as possible. Playing it cool was getting harder, as was proven by the fact that the others noticed he wasn’t fine for a second, if the worried looks and careful tone of voice used by some were any indication. Prince hated it, hated being annoying, hated that he felt like this, but he had to keep going. If he didn’t then he’d be letting Thomas, Patton, Logan and Virgil down again.

****

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Once. Twice. Three times. He just kept saying that. At different times, on different days, but where him apologising had once been a rare sight it was now becoming a common occurrence. The slightest thing, from him bursting into song and the others getting annoyed to running his mouth to him screwing up a scene in the video. The list of things he was mucking up was getting to him, the amount of times he was failing, the feeling of guilt and defeat and frustration dragging him down. He couldn’t go on any longer, it was too hard, he was breaking down and didn’t know how to fix it. Roman didn’t want to bother anybody anymore, didn’t want to annoy them or make them mad at him. So he kept apologising. He didn’t want the other sides to see him this weak, this sensitive, this… he didn’t want them to see him like this. Saying sorry seemed like a ridiculously small compensation for all the times he’d ruined things, but it was the only way he knew how to make it up to them. It didn’t help but saying sorry seemed like the only thing he could do anymore. Sometimes Prince wondered if the noticed that he was sorry, that he kept apologising. They didn’t seem to, which made him feel worse, because if they didn’t notice then how would they know that he was genuinely sorry every time he failed them?

****

Roman didn’t like feeling like this. It was like his chest was hollow, his heart aching, self-doubt and hate and loathing dragging him down. Feelings of regret and sorrow and misery and just pain were drowning him. It had finally gotten too much. Everything had stacked up, all the negative emotions and thoughts and feels until he’d bent and broken, and now it was all flooding out of him in waves of self-pity and he couldn’t stand how terrible he felt. It was all just too much.

It was night and he was sitting curled up in his bed, hands fisted in his messy hair, hot tear tracks staining his cheeks. Prince’s chest shook with near silent sobs, lungs trying to suck in oxygen through the tears, chest aching, his mind blurring with negative thoughts and hateful feelings. It hurt. It was as if his own mind was attacking him. He tried to stay quiet though and keep his emotions to himself; he didn’t want to alert the others, didn’t want to annoy them any more. Apparently he wasn’t as silent as he’d hoped, however.

****

Patton was concerned. The sides were all part of Thomas, all part of the same mind, so sometimes they could faintly feel what one of the other’s was feeling. And the feeling was faint, barely there, the person trying to block it away from the others, but the fatherly trait could sense it all the same. Somebody was hurting. With enough concentration he could feel wisps of self doubt, hate, anxiety, loathing. His first guess was Virgil; the dark trait got like this sometimes, and Morality was overwhelmed with the urge to comfort the boy, so he sprang out of bed and opened his door, padding quickly down the hall in the direction of Anxiety’s room. He passed Logan’s door, walked for longer, and passed Prince’s, determined to reach Virgil’s room as fast as possible. Then he heard something that made him pause. It sounded like a sob. But that was confusing, because Virgil’s room was much further away from here, so he shouldn’t have been able to hear him crying. He lingered, torn between continuing on to Anxiety’s room and investigating the noise. He was about to pass it off as a trick of the mind, despite the uneasy feeling curling in his gut, when he heard it again. He slowly turned, eyes scanning the hallway before falling onto the dark wood of Roman’s bedroom door. It was the only room close enough for Morality to have heard the person inside, but he was struggling to imagine Prince crying. The royal boy always seemed so upbeat, self assured, happy! But Patton was the father figure, he couldn’t leave without making sure. So he walked forward and opened the door.

****

Prince had his eyes screwed shut against the tears that kept fighting to escape, but he heard his door click open and gasped in horror. Who was coming into his room? He couldn’t let them see him like this, not this weak, not this broken down, he couldn’t let them see! A heartbroken noise reached his ears and he curled up, letting go of his hair to blindly grab for a blanket. It was too late, they’d seen him, they knew. He tried to cover his face, mortified and still letting out choked cries.

“Oh no, Roman, oh no.” That was Patton’s voice, cooing in concern. Prince felt Morality rush over to the bed and sit down on it, the extra weight making the mattress dip slightly, and then arms were being wrapped around his shoulders and we was being tugged gently up into a warm hug. He tried to squirm away, still embarrassed, not wanting Patton to see him like this.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, don’t try to run away, you’ll be alright Ro, shh,” The fatherly trait soothed, hugging Roman tightly and running his hand through his hair soothingly. Prince weakly attempted to push him away.

“Don’t,” he croaked, “Go away, leave me alone.” He was shaking. Morality shook his head sadly.

“No, c'mere, it’s alright. You don’t have to push us away, what’s wrong buddy?” He asked gently. Roman shook his head again, but it felt like forever since he’d last been hugged like this, been comforted, and he found the tears leaking out faster than before. He was breaking down again in the middle of breaking down, oh my goodness, what a mess. It was embarrassing, he wanted to pull away, but instead found himself melting into the embrace. His chest shook as he heaved in air.

“I don’t- I don’t want you, or anyone, to see me like this. I don’t want you to see me worse than this. Please leave,” He croaked. Morality shook his head resolutely and held him tightly, gently wiping some tears off Prince’s cheeks.

“No, I’m the father figure kiddo, I’m here for you. It’s ok, you can tell me, it’ll be alright. Please talk to me Princey. It might make you feel better. I love you champ, I’m here,” he gently urged. That hit Roman hard, and he found it all spilling out.

He stopped holding it back, stopped blocking it from the others, just cried for a bit longer and let Patton hug him tightly and began to talk. He talked about how bad he felt, of how little self worth he had, of how he knew he was annoying and irritating but he couldn’t help it, of how he knew he failed at everything but he was trying, about how he hated himself, about he the one thing he could do was act but that had gotten too hard, about how everything hurt even though he was supposed to be indifferent because he knew it was supposed to be harmless teasing,of how he felt like he kept letting everybody down. He told Morality everything, and once he started it began rushing out faster and faster until he couldn’t hold it back anymore, couldn’t contain the words spilling from his lips. He talked until his body shook from tears and trying to get enough air and he talked through Patton’s hug as it became tighter and tighter. He talked as Virgil and Logan burst into the room, eyes wide and frantic as they felt the emotional turmoil spill out of him, he talked as they dropped onto the bed beside him and he hesitantly joined the hug, unsure how to help but trying their best. He talked until it was all out, all the things he’d never said before, he talked until the others could see who he truly was and how he truly felt, he talked until he was exhausted an the tears ran out, and then he stopped. He tucked his head further into somebody’s shoulder and took deep breaths, embarrassed and ashamed, but… better. He really did feel better.

Patton must have been right. After holding things in for so long, keeping them too himself, letting them out seemed to ease up a terrible weight that had been pressing down on his chest. His shoulders felt lighter, his head clearer. He blinked slowly and listened to the others who were still holding him. Even Virgil was hugging him tightly. They were sitting in a circle, Prince in the middle, surrounded by astounded and sad faces and warm arms. Morality was cooing in concern and heartbreak, petting his hair gently, murmuring quiet reassurances.

“Ro, Princey, you should have told us sooner, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry you feel like that, I didn’t know, we love you, I’m sorry, it’ll be alright, Princey oh my goodness,” over and over. Logic’s eyes were wide in shock and concern.

“Roman, you’ve been holding that in for so long, it shouldn’t have happened. We should have realised. You have my deepest apologies, I had no idea you felt like this. You-” he swallowed, “You should talk to us more. We want to help. We’re family.” Prince felt the intelligent trait clutch at him a bit tighter. “We’re family,” Logan repeated, and Roman didn’t know how to reply, so he just nodded and sniffed.

“Princey…” Virgil trailed off, staring at him wide-eyed. “I didn’t know. I’m… I’m really sorry, I didn’t know you felt like that. And I- you know, I get it. I feel like this too, a lot, but we’re here for you. I thought you, well, that you knew that. Like Lo said, we’re family. Maybe we argue a lot but I’m here for you. If you ever need to talk, about anything. I get it. You’ll be alright.” Anxiety flushed slightly as he said this, but he kept his gaze steady, and Prince blinked in surprise. He slowly looked around at his friends, his family, who were still clutching sadly at him, and a flicker of warmth curled in his chest. It grew, ignited, until he didn’t feel so hollow anymore. They loved him, they were here for him. He could see it in their eyes, and eyes didn’t lie. They wanted to comfort him and him hurting was making them sad, was hurting them, because they loved him. They were family. Roman blew out a shaky breath.

“I love you guys too.” He managed. Morality choked out a weak chuckle and brushed one of his own tears away, before flopping down onto the bed, still holding the royal boy’s arm.

“We’re here for you. All of you.” He added, looking them all in the eye. “We’re fam, ily.” He joked, and the others groaned. “But I think we need to talk more. Hang out more.” Slowly the others nodded in agreement. “Great, well, there’s never a better time than now! Sleepover!” Patton smiled, and tugged them all down into a pile.

Logic rolled his eyes and squirmed to the side but didn’t leave, which made Morality smile at him. Virgil wriggled awkwardly to the other side of Roman, and they lay there for a few minutes, in a contemplative silence. Prince realised they were all still holding him somehow, each silently offering comfort in their own way. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t annoying them. Morality suddenly made another family pun, which made even Prince groan, but it broke the silence and suddenly they were more comfortable talking, comforting, hanging out. By the time they got too tired to keep their eyes open they were all pressed comfortably together, Virgil’s legs tangled with Roman’s, Prince’s head on Patton’s shoulder, Logic curled into Morality’s side, his arm flopped over them all and resting on Roman’s arm. Prince was the last one to drift off, feeling warm and comforted and loved for the first time in forever. And maybe, he thought, it wasn’t too bad. Being close to them, talking, being helped… he found it wasn’t as bad or shameful as he’d thought.

He fell asleep happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on tumblr, @starlight-sanders


End file.
